You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Someone shattered a urinal.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
