dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
