you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
