He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
