I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
