News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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