we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
