the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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