put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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