The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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