i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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