four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
