Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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