My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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