I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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