my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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