There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you traded sex for a burrito?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
