Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
