she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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