you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
