you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
