My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
