I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
