We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
what day is it and did you see me today?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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