I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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