haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
