Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
