I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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