i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
