Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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