Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
