My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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