After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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