My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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