I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
