five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We need a shit load of segways right now
My vagina is officially offended.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
