so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
