that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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