Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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