I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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