She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
