There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
