I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
please come you make the beer taste better
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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