Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just found puke in my bra..
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
