Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
