i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
