Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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