dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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