I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
