I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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